This recipe was so awful I remembered this blog exists

 I got a whole one (1) view on my last post. Hope this one will go just as well!

 

Anyway, I've had ... varying success in cooking thus far... I've made a recipe that was edible enough that I made it a second time. However, I am back to my old habits.

And this recipe I encountered did not help me. It hurt me. In fact, I do not want to cook again because of this recipe - it made me think that I simply lack any talent for cooking, that eating vegetables is useless because I will never be satiated, and that I will forever be stuck with my poor health.

 The recipe in question came from "CollegeNutritionist" on Instagram.  I saw it on Pinterest a couple weeks ago and thought, well, that's not too difficult.

 The first issue with this recipe is that it calls for "4 zucchini." I did not realize that this woman either harvested her own zucchini from inside her house - or made this recipe in winter.  A number of zucchini should not be a valid measurement when the size of zucchini varies so drastically

But Tristan! Shouldn't you be able to tell how much zucchini you need by looking at it?

I should be able to tell how much zucchini I need by looking AT THE RECIPE. Give me a weight, in grams preferably, or even a cup measurement! 

 Regardless, I did not cut the zucchini pieces small enough (you're gonna laugh when you see this). This was my fault; however, a NORMAL RECIPE would have told you how small to cut them.

The next sin of this recipe, can you guess, has to do with the seasoning. I knew better than to trust it, but you know what they say - trust the process!!

Seasoning at different times will effect the end result drastically. Why the fuck am I seasoning ground beef AFTER it has fully cooked? This made the meat simultaneously bland and spicy. In-fucking-edible.

I also noticed that she didn't have to deal with half a cup of water in her recipe! The liquid from the zucchini leached out, and made this thing closer to a stew than a skillet. What was I supposed to do with that, Rachel??

I actually remembered to take pictures of The Process this time:

 So.. these little bitches did not cook, obviously. The meat got tough. Then, these little bitches refused to cool down when I attempted (emphasis on attempted) to eat.

I tried to rescue it with cheese, as the recipe instructed. It did not save it. RIP an entire bag of lite Mexican style cheese. Also RIP $7.88 worth of 93% ground beef.

I had a few bites of it, and it was, to be frank, fucking disgusting. 0/10. Like I said, it was a total motivation killer, and it makes me think I'm just gonna die at 35, because I don't ever want to make or eat something like this again.

 Here is my rabbit watching as I put chicken strips in the air fryer after standing over the stove for half an hour:

 

The Beginning - Cheesy Pasta

 I had the most spectacular time "making food" this evening that it's inspired me to make a whole blog. 

So, I don't cook. I rarely cook. My boyfriend works at McDonalds, so I don't have to worry about making edible food most of the week. No, I'm not doing well, nutritionally.

Anyway, in 2018, I worked at a call center as a credit card debt collector. That doesn't matter- What matters is the night shift manager's (Rochelle's) Cheesy Pasta. It was just about as much spicy as I can handle. Unfortunately, when I walked out of that job, that cheesy pasta walked out of my life. I never got a recipe because I didn't realize I would yearn for this pasta years later.

One thing you need to understand is that I suffer from ADHD and autism. The effects are that I am a lazy bastard most of the time, yet somehow I accomplish full time work and full time college without spontaneously combusting. There are certain things I can keep up with - anything related to the kitchen is not among them.

I actually had the intention of cooking a real recipe, but when I discovered my onions were two weeks expired, I took a look at the recipe, and myself. My heart told me, this recipe wasn't what I wanted. So, I decided to wing it.

Disclaimer: This is not a recipe.

Ingredients:
An amount of angel hair pasta
An amount of olive oil
One of those long smoked turkey sausages found near the lunch meat section
1/4 cup of butter
A little over 1/4 cup of flour
An amount of milk
Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
Cayenne Pepper

Part one: Pasta

So, I glanced at the instructions of this angel hair pasta, held a pot over the sink, and put an amount of water in the pot. I put the pot on the cooking part of the stove (bottom right burner) and got the turkey sausage out of the fridge.
Then, I realized I left the milk out for about an hour after I threw out the food I forgot about (explanation above).

While the water was coming to a boil, I cut up the sausage and ate a piece. It reminded me of summer camp as a child, where they gave us hot dogs as "fish bait". I always ate at least one piece, claiming I lost it.

For some unknown reason, despite the quick cook time for angel hair pasta, I put olive oil in a skillet next to the almost-boiling pot and set it to medium heat. I put the angel hair pasta into the pot, finished fiddling around with the olive oil in the skillet, and put the sausage in.

It was at that point I realized I forgot to set any sort of time measurement for the pasta, and, much like this recipe, its doneness was determined based on vibes.

Part two: Sausage

I'm not great at flipping meat over in a skillet. I'm very concerned about getting every piece evenly cooked on both sides. However, the task today was heating up already-cooked-sausage, so I wasn't going to worry. Plus, I had unknown-doneness pasta going on as well.

I checked the pasta a few times, I think I managed to capture the moment that it was al-dente, poured out a minimal amount of water, and focused back on the sausage.

Nothing really else to note about the sausage. When it was done, I thought putting it back on the cutting board was a bit too messy, so I put it all on a paper plate.

Once the sausage was no longer in danger of burning, I tried to drain the pasta a bit better. 1/4 of the cooked pasta escaped directly into the kitchen sink drain.

Part three: Sauce

In the moments leading up to deciding to make dinner without any instruction, I watched a portion of "Basics with Babish." Mr. Babish guides you, audibly and visually - but not in writing unless you want to provide your credit card number. Anyhow - I vaguely knew what to do, and what not to do, on making a bechamel sauce.

I threw a ~1/4c slab of butter into the skillet the sausage had cooked in. The pan was much hotter than  it should be, because that butter instantly browned beyond what was acceptable in Mr. Babish's video. Regardless, that is a whole 4 tablespoons of butter. I must press on.

It did not help that my flour was not measured - I have no idea where my 1/4 cup went so I dunked a 1/3 cup into the flour. If I learned anything from 8th grade home ec, that's not how you do that.

As instructed, I added a bit of maybe-cold milk (remember, it was sitting out for like an hour), mixed that in, added more, you get the drill.

My definitely-not-sauce turned into kind-of-a-sauce. Now for something I never do: seasoning to taste - and actually tasting. I first threw in some amount of salt and pepper - standard seasonings. I added garlic powder because that felt right, and then I added cayenne powder. Remember, Rochelle's cheesy pasta is hot - hot from the sausage, but it would be easier to replicate it with spice than try to find whatever sausage she used.

After tasting, I added an amount more of salt, and probably a tablespoon of cayenne. I tasted it again - it was perfect.

Next came the cheese. I recalled Mr. Babish saying to avoid adding the cheese over heat. I moved the skillet to the burner I boiled the pasta on, because it probably cooled enough at this point. I added 1 cup of colby jack cheese (this was an ingredient intended for the original recipe), and amount of gouda (just because I happened to have it).

After that was all mixed/melted, I added the sausage. I debated on adding the pasta to the skillet, or adding the concoction to the pasta. I decided on the latter. A couple tablespoons spilled onto the side of the pot.

Conclusions:

This was surprisingly very close to what I remember Rochelle's cheesy pasta. If I ever have the courage/willpower/energy to try this again, the only thing it needed was actual cheddar cheese. I don't remember what the sausage she used actually tasted like, so I'll say the sausage was close enough for my needs.

 Was this meal healthy? No.

Was this meal good? Kind of.

Here is an image of the end result: